


You Ain't Empty

by casbean



Series: Out Loud [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (not happy ones), Alcohol, Canon Compliant, Clothed Sex, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, M/M, a little bit of angst i guess, enthusiastic consent with dean though, implied past dub/con with april, mention of 12x07 Rock Never Dies, mention of April and reminiscence, mention of human!cas and of 9x03, mention of megstiel, not just implied, somewhere in s12-13-14 idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 04:52:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15789333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casbean/pseuds/casbean
Summary: "C'mon, Cas. For once in our fucking lives we got nothing to worry about, and you're sitting there, brooding. So tell me what's got your panties in a twist.""Nothing. Nothing and no one have ever twisted my underwear. Maybe that's the problem."





	You Ain't Empty

"Alright, what's up?"

Castiel stops ripping the label off his beer bottle and looks at Dean, who's sitting on the other side of the bunker library table. 

"Nothing."

"You're brooding."

"I'm not-"

"C'mon, Cas. For once in our fucking lives we got nothing to worry about, and you're sitting there, brooding. So tell me what's got your panties in a twist."

"Nothing. Nothing and no one have ever twisted my underwear. Maybe that's the problem."

"I'm sorry - what?"

Castiel sighs - a long, deep suffering sigh. A multi-millenial exhale of breath.

"There is no mission. No... goal. No duty. I have nothing to..." Cas gestures vaguely.

"Yeah, so we can relax, Cas. That's the point."

"What does _relax_ mean to you, exactly?" Castiel questions, eyebrows frowned.

"Means... enjoying life. Doing things I love. Enjoying the fact that the people I love ain't about to die any time soon."

"Doesn't it also mean drink, eat, partake in carnal pleasures?"

A faint blush spreads on Dean's cheeks. "Uh, Yeah. Sure. That too."

"You have desires. Needs. It's normal."

"Don't you?"

Castiel considers Dean for a little too long before he answers.

"I don't know. I never really... thought about it. When Lucifer possessed me, he saw... he saw that. And he told me. I'm... dull, Dean," Cas says, bitter lines on the corner of his eyes and mouth. "Duty-bound, dull, and empty. I have no desires, no want. I'm a vessel made to follow orders, made to achieve a goal, I..."

"That ain't true."

Cas looks down and begins peeling away the label of his beer again, made moist and fragile by the condensation.

"It's not true. You - You're not empty. And you're not fucking dull. Cas, you're - you care, so _much_. And you love, and you - Lucifer was wrong. Everything you did, everything you ever did was - it wasn't for a mission. It wasn't following some blind orders, it was for us, for-"

"For you." Castiel's eyes bore through Dean like fire. "Yes, I chose you. But it was because I thought you were right. It was to save the world. It was - it was goal oriented."

"You love me - I mean - us, you love - you love us."

Castiel's eyes meet his - sad, and low, but there's a flick of tenderness in the ocean of his irises.

"Yes. I - of course I do."

"You ain't empty."

Dean escapes the gaze now filled with something a little too heavy. 

"And we both know there've been times over the last ten years when choosing me - us, me'n'Sam - wasn't the right choice. Went against... your mission, or whatever. Screwed you up way more than the other option. So don't go again saying you're empty. You're not. You're..." Dean shakes his head, trying to catch his thoughts getting a little out of hand. "You're not."

"Thank you."

A moment passes. Dean's the one fidgeting with his beer now, a question hanging on the tip of his lips. He can senses Castiel's eyes on him, with all of their billion years old heaviness.

"So you really, uh... really don't... want, anything?"

He's met with a new puzzled look, one he's become quite fond of.

"Like, physical... carnal, pleasures. I mean, you - you had fun, with April, right? Don't you... miss that? Want that again?"

Cas' eyes suddenly evade him. He sits back.

"No."

The statement is curt. Cold.

"I don't... I did understand some of the... _physical_ urges, that humans have, when I was one. But April was not... I would never wish to recreate what happened with her again."

"Why not?" Dean shrugs, trying to act casual. "She was hot."

"I-"

The words seem hard to articulate. Dean leans over, softening.

"Cas? Was it bad?"

"Yes. Yes, it was." Cas is frowning again, his nails scratching at the label, grating. "The woman in that body could not consent to what we did. And then she died. Violently. And I - I would lie, if I told you certain physical aspects of it weren't pleasant, but..." Cas is looking away again, away from Dean and away from the present. His eyes are clouded. "I had just spent days hungered, out on the street, I was exhausted. I was hurt. I was overwhelmed by the painful physical sensations of being human and - and a miserable one, at that. And suddenly she offered me kindness, and shelter, and food. I - she asked one thing of me."

Dean begins to understand. His stomach drops in one heavy block. "Cas-"

"I was afraid if I refused she would put me back outside. Where it was so cold and so-"

"So you had sex with her because-"

Cas is obstinately looking at the wall. His eyes are red. Hearing him talk about his months as a human is always painful - it always feels like talking a bath in ice cold water - but now Dean feels like someone tied a metric ton of rock to his feet and threw him in a frozen lake. It was his fault, everything that Cas went through. And it was Dean's fault that he had to do _that_. 

"She was being nice to me. I didn't want her to get angry. And my body reacted positively, so I-"

"Cas-"

"So no, I do not wish to rekindle that experience."

"I'm - I'm so, so sorry, Cas."

"That's not necessary. It's in the past."

Castiel makes an effort to look at Dean again. Dean can see all it's taking him to take over himself. His knuckles are white around the neck of his bottle.

"I'm - I'm sorry I brought it up."

"It's fine."

Cas offers him a small smile. It's tensed, but it's something. Then he sighs, reposition himself, and breathes out again. His smile becomes more genuine.

"I feel better. Less... empty. So thank you." Cas nods towards Dean.

"Yeah."

Dean feels a little emptier, though. Like he's drowning at the bottom of the lake and his lungs are screaming for oxygen. 

"What happened when you - when I - threw you out." A shadow passes on Castiel's face again. Dean feels rock crushing guilty for bringing it up again, but he needs to. "It's never gonna happen again, Cas. This is your home. We're your family. You've always chosen us and fought for us and - and we'll always fight for you, too. We're here for you. We love you, you know that, right?"

"I do."

"Good. Okay. Good talk."

"Dean," Cas calls, as Dean is stepping out of the room.

"Yeah?"

"I do love your family. Our family. But I hope you know that it began with you. And ultimately, it was always about you. You're the one I always chose above all else."

Dean stands there, speechless. His bottle hangs loose in his fist. He was going to bed, and now, now his whole world is toppling over.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you're right. I am not empty." Cas grins, of his million dollar, world shattering, universe imploding grin. "I have not been empty since I - ever since I grabbed you in Hell. You're the one who changed everything, who has filled me with love and purpose and existence. And who keeps reminding me that I am not only needed, but wanted. And I can never... tell you, how much this means to me. How much _you..._ mean to me."

"Okay," Dean says, because he can't say anything else. 

 

"So, uh. So you don't want to have sex, ever, with anyone else?"

Dean's five drinks in and his inhibitions are down. The hunt went well, Sam's passed out at the motel but Dean was able to drag Cas to the closest dive bar to "celebrate".

"I have no physiological need for it."

"What if you fell in love?"

Cas opens his mouth and closes it. He sighs.

"Is it - like, does it gross you out, or does it bore you, or-"

"No, and no, Dean. Of course, I understand the appeal of physical intimacy when two people are in love. I can imagine it must be..." Castiel's cheeks color up. It's breathtaking. "But I am not really people. I'm an angel. Having sexual relations with a human would be a terrible sin. It could lead to awful consequences. You know that."

"So it would be a girl? A human girl?"

Cas frowns. "What?"

"If you were to fall in love, it would be with a girl? That's why you're scared of accidentally popping out a nephilim?"

"I didn't... I don't-" Cas rolls his head back and stares at the ceiling, like he's talking to a five years old. "All I am saying is that relations between humans and angels are highly prohibited."

"Yeah, but if it was a dude, there wouldn't be any... condom poppin' risks, if you know what I mean."

This time Castiel squints at Dean for a longer time. Dean downs the rest of his drink. 

"It would still be extremely frowned upon."

"After everything you did to Heaven, you're worried about stuff that's frowned upon? Not like God's still watching anyway."

"I suppose," Cas concedes. 

"I mean, demons and angels is  _way_  grossier. Like, disgusting, lock-you-away-for-life-and-swallow-the-key kind of gross. And you did it."

"Are you talking about Meg?"

Dean scowls exaggeretadly and shivers. 

"Who else."

"I only kissed her once."

"Yeah, and I puked in the bushes, Cas. Most disgusting thing I ever saw. What came to you anyway? Thought you didn't have urges. Demons tickle your pickle or something?"

His eyes are guarded, shoulders hunched as he looks at Cas. Like he's scared of the answer.

"I don't know which pickle you're referring to, but no. She was there, and she desired me. And I - I felt... very rebellious. I was about to die for you. For our cause. I had rebelled against heaven and had watched pornography. I could feel the very strong aura of Meg's attraction and I reacted to it. I expected to die anyway."

"There were plenty of other people there to kiss if you wanted to play the pizzaman, but whatever," Dean mumbles into his drink.

"What?"

"What? I didn't say anything."

Castiel keeps squinting at him.

"She tasted like burning coals and rotting corpses, if it makes you feel better."

"A little."

Castiel smiles.

 

"I do miss something about being human," Castiel says a few nights later.

"What?" Dean swings his head around from where his nose was sunk in a gigantic books all written in hieroglyphs. Cas looks soft, pensive.

"It's not the sexual aspect, really. Not even the orgasms, although those were... always pleasant. Like a huge relief of tension I didn't know I was holding."

"Um. Yeah." Dean swallows thickly. There's something about hearing Castiel talk about orgasms that sound a little bit like thunder crackling under the clouds before the rain starts to fall. 

"I think what I miss most are the physical contacts. The way some people would just... touch me. A hand on my arm, on my shoulder. A hug, even."

"Hey, I hug you."

"Once a season, Dean."

"Yeah, but - we're dudes. We-"

"All I'm saying is, I don't think I ever realized, before I was human, how good it feels when someone touches you. So even if my experience with sex was... Disappointing, and even if being human was difficult at best, it did open my eyes. Physical contact is comforting. The... _warmth_ , of humans, is... unequalled."

Cas stares somewhere between his and Dean's chest, a soft grin on his lips. 

"I can touch you," Dean blurts out.

Blue eyes land back on him and breath hoofs out of his chest.

"I mean - hug. We can - if you want. I can hug you. More."

"Like twice a season?"

"Like right now. If you want."

Cas' mouth quirks up. "Yes. I do want that."

 

Cas is firm in his arms. Warm, too. Not the same warmth as a human, a different kind of heat. Softer. Diffused. Although his skin feels like it burns where it meets Dean's, but that's probably not an angel thing. Just a... a Cas thing. It's a bit awkward, with his suit and coat on, Dean wrapping his arms around the coated shape of the angel. He can feel Cas' face pressing against his shoulder. His hands gripping on his back.

Dean hadn't planned this. Hadn't planned any of this, so they just stand there in the middle of the kitchen, hugging, because they didn't agree on a time frame and Cas feels really nice in Dean's arms. Because his chest feels... so tight, and so wide and split open at the same time.

But then Cas frowns and moves away, so Dean lets go. 

"These clothes are compromising my movements. And I can't access your body heat well," Cas huffs. He begins to shed his coat, and then his suit. Dean just stands there. 

Castiel moves closer again. His eyes are expectant, questioning. Dean opens his arms. Cas finds his place in between, like he belongs there. This time Dean can fully feel the shape of his body all pressed up against him. The whole length of him, legs slotted between his own, the strength of his arms wrapping around his neck. He can feel the way Cas' fingers sink into his shoulders, gripping like he doesn't plan on letting go. 

His own arms circle around the angel's waist, and the intimacy of the gesture makes his heart jump. Cas' face presses against his neck this time - and Dean can feel him inhale, breathe, _breathe_ Dean in. 

Dean shudders. His nose sinks into Cas' hair. It's soft. It smells like vanilla and pomegranate shampoo - his shampoo. Cas used his shampoo. Before he can stop himself he moves down, nuzzling at the side of Cas' neck, his lips ghosting at the curve of his shoulder. Oh. _Oh_. His skin is soft.

Cas hums. One of his hand snakes into Dean's hair, sinking, curling. his body arches, chasing Dean's warmth, the pressure of his arms. Dean responds. He doesn't know how it happened but he's panting, panting in Castiel's ears, panting as he holds Cas flush against his chest and presses a chaste kiss at the juncture of his shoulder, right where his collar opens for him. 

Cas lets out a low moan. His nails rake Dean's scalp, his mouth is hot on Dean's cheek.

"Dean."

"Cas."

Dean pulls back. His hands have slid around Cas' face, solid and warm, and Cas chases it, moving towards him again as Dean steps back. Cas' mouth hovers under his own and it's very hard to not let himself fall against it.

"Cas. wha - Cas. Wait."

The angel closes his eyes. Frowns. He turns away, and would move further if Dean didn't keep him held close.

"Just slow down for a minute," Dean whispers in his ears. "We just got - we just gotta -"

"We have to what? Hasn't ten years been enough waiting?"

"You - you've been - wanting this? But you said-"

"I know what I said. Can we not-" Cas looks wrecked. Lost. His cheeks are cherry red, his eyes are wide and dark. He grips the front of Dean's shirt. "Please."

"Cas, believe me, I want this. But- but I don't want you to think that you need to do any of this to - to stay. To get me. You already got me. You already got a home. You already got as many hugs as you want. You don't have to do this."

"I know."

Cas kisses Dean anyway.

 

"Dean-" Cas hisses. Dean's mouth sucks a bruise on his neck, insistent, persistent. It's wet and it's warm, it's a little sloppy and follows the slow, lazy roll of their half clothed bodies on the bed.

Dean traces a path along his angel's neck, up the line of his jaw and to his beautiful lips again. He swallows his moans, fingers curled in his permanently tousled hair. He kisses him slow and deep. 

"Dean," the angel cries out as soon as his mouth is free. His hips grind up, rocking his fabric-clad erection up against dean's hip. " _Dean_."

"I know, baby," Dean murmurs. His nails graze the skin of Cas' skull, his other hand soothingly stroking Cas' waist under his shirt. "I know. Take it slow. It's okay."

Cas whimpers. The sensations are overwhelming. Dean can see it on Castiel's face. He wanted physical intimacy, and this is a buttload of it all at once. Dean bites on Cas' skin again, a little too hard. Cas' hips jerk, stutter. 

His hand slips down between them, cupping Dean through his jeans. Dean groans against Cas' skin, deep sound stifled into the kiss he presses on his mouth. They grind, grind again.

Cas comes with his fingers twitching on Dean's shoulder, his other palm pressing up on Dean's cock. Only two more strokes and Dean follows him, biting his pleasure into the angel's shoulder. He'll keep a mark, if he doesn't heal it.

 

Dean's eyes flutter. He's tired. Orgasms tire him - they do that to humans. Cas understands. He's tired too. Strangely calm. Content. He cleaned them both with the snap of his fingers, but kept the bite mark on his shoulder.

"I should let you sleep," he says as Dean slides under the covers.

"Yeah, maybe." Dean hesitates for a second and then leans over, pressing a kiss to Castiel's mouth. "Or you could stay. I probably maxed you out on your physical contact needs, but-"

"I will never get enough of you," Castiel tells him, sincerely.

"Then you can't miss out on after-sex cuddles, dude."

Cas' face breaks into a wide and luminous smile. He settles behind Dean, wrapping his arms around his stomach, kissing the back of his neck. Their bodies slot together perfectly. It's not too warm, not too cold, just perfect.

Who would've thought.

Dean's about to drift off to sleep when he feels Cas frowning against his skin.

"You okay, angel?" 

"Yes. I am."

"You sure? 'Cause we just had sex and you're kind of brooding."

This time it's a smile that's pressed between his shoulder blades. Castiel slides his body infinitely closer. Tighter than that and he'd climb into Dean's body.

"I am very sure. I feel... full. Overflowing, in fact. Overwhelmed, almost."

"Is it... good?"

"Yes. It's very good. I'm definitely not empty."

"Told ya," Dean murmurs before drifting off to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://casbeanie.tumblr.com/) or [here](http://casbean.tumblr.com/)


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